I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.

[doughishere]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado ... and off they are whirled to the land of Oz.

 

They finally make it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

 

What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?

 

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said, “I've come for some courage.”

 

“No Problem!” said the Wizard, ”Who's next?”

 

Richard Nixon stepped forward, “Well, I think I need a heart.”

 

“Done!” says the Wizard.

 

“Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?”

 

Up stepped George Bush and said, “I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.”

 

“No problem!” said the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

 

Then there was a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

 

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “Well, what do you want?”

 

“Is Dorothy here?”

 

Slick Willy.

[Eye4Valu]

I have a golf ball with Bill's face on it that says underneath "a good lie everytime." Although that of course is not true since some of Bill's lies were hilarious. "I smoked, but I didn't inhale." That may be true of a cigar. I guess Bill has another use for that though!

[boilermaker75]

A young priest arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other priest in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

He notices, however, that all of the priests are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.  So, the new priest goes to the Bishop to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

The Bishop says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

 

The Bishop goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

 

Hours go by and nobody sees the old Bishop. 

 

So, the young priest gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

 

“We missed the R! We missed the R!

           

We missed the R!”

 

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young priest asks the old Bishop, “What's wrong, father?”

 

With a choking voice, the old Bishop replies, “The word was...

 

“CELEBRATE!!!”

 

[rkbabang]

It appears that as of today the EU has 1 GB of free space.

 

[rkbabang]

An Astronomer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist were on a train. They just crossed the border into Scotland, when the Astronomer looked out of the window and saw 3 black sheep on the side of a hill.

 

He said to the others "Look at that sheep are black in Scotland"

 

The Physicist laughed and shook his head "No, no, no, my friend," replied the Physicist, "Some Scottish sheep are black."

 

At which point the Mathematician looked up from his paper and glanced out the window. After a few second's thought he said blandly:

 

"In Scotland, there exists at least one hill, upon which there exists at least three sheep, each having at least one black side."

 

[doughishere]

It appears that as of today the EU has 1 GB of free space.

 

My response is attached.

[boilermaker75]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

 

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.  'It's not polite.'

 

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

 

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

 

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

 

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

                               

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'                     

 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

                               

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

 

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

 

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

 

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

                               

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

                               

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

                               

'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

[Partner24]

Again a terrific joke! Aahahahah thank you very much!  ;D

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him

and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

 

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

 

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back

into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The

engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned

it to the pocket.

 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a

princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

 

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back

into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a

beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you

want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an

engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now

that's cool!"

[John Hjorth]

Post deleted, based on comment from Dough.

[doughishere]

Stay Positive.

[randomep]

writser, funny stuff!

 

This is the actual radio conversation of a

US naval ship with Canadian authorities off

the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the chief of

naval operations, 10-10-95.

 

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees

          to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15

          degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your

          course 15 degrees to the south to avoid

          a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship.

          I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN,

          the second largest ship in the United

          States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied

          with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and

          numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that

          you change your course 15 degrees north.

          I say again, that's one-five degrees north,

          or counter-measures will be undertaken to

          ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

 

Haha! Radio Conversation with an SR71. http://oppositelock.kinja.com/favorite-sr-71-story-1079127041

 

thanks for the SR71 story, also I heard that Canadian lighthouse story many times, but wondered if it was true, looks like it is and I am so proud of my countrymen.

 

[John Hjorth]

Please accept my apology for posting outside the scope of the topic scope here, Dough. Please delete the quote of my post in your commenting to my post, now deleted, to retain the tone and the scope of this topic. Sorry to all by not doing my homework  of reading the topic title properly.

[doughishere]

Please accept my apology for posting outside the scope of the topic scope here, Dough. Please delete the quote of my post in your commenting to my post, now deleted, to retain the tone and the scope of this topic. Sorry to all by not doing my homework  of reading the topic title properly.

 

No worries! Perhaps I should have explained my intent a little bit better...I dont want to become this guy.

 

 

 

To all who enter, Lets try and keep current politics out of this thread, I know some of them have strayed close to the line maybe a bit over but I just dont want this to become uncivil. My intentions were to have a thread that is positive and one where people arnt making jokes at the expense of others pride. I see too much of that online and in my circles these days.

 

 

I really just want people to get some endorphins flowing and to feel good. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/14/science/14laughter.html

[Guest longinvestor]

A sexy female TV reporter with big boobs is interviewing a farmer, seeking to get an understanding of the mad cow disease.

 

Lady: Sir,what do you think are the causes of the mad cow disease?

Farmer: Do you know that the bull screws a cow only once a year?

Lady: (embarrassed), Well, that's an interesting piece of information but what's that got to do with the mad cow disease?

Farmer: Well, madam, do you know that we milk the cow twice a day?

Lady: (really blushing). Sir, can we get to the question of what causes the mad cow disease?!!

Farmer: (Staring at her boobs) I'm getting to the point ma'am. If I was playing with your boobs twice a day and screwing only once a year, won't you get mad?

 

[boilermaker75]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

 

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

 

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

 

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

 

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

 

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.

 

[DynamicPerception]

dougishere, good one!

 

  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral

director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had

no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's

cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a

typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour

late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was

nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they

were eating lunch.

  I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to

the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already

in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I

played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as

I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,

I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes

and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in

septic tanks for twenty years."

  Apparently I'm still lost....

[boilermaker75]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: 'Honey,' 'My Love,' 'Darling,' 'Sweetheart,' 'Pumpkin,' etc.

 

The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

 

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and  said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

 

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said. 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

 

[bobp]

A traveling salesman pulls up to a farm house. As he approaches the front door a pig runs by with three legs, missing one ear, and a chunk out of his side.

The farmer comes to the door and the salesman says,, " Sir first off what happened to your pig?"

The farmer says, " Mister that's one special pig! Few months ago we had a fire in the house at night. That pig broke the front door down, ran upstairs and woke the whole family."

"Oh so he got hurt in the fire?"

"Nope"

"So what happened to him?"

Farmer - "Short while after that I went hunting. Came upon a bear and he attacked me. That pig came running at the bear squeeling and chased the bear away."

"Oh so he got mauled by the Bear?

"Nope"

" So what happened to the pig?"

"Well there was an earthquake and that pig..."

Salesman - "Wait a minute. I just want to know what happened to his leg, his side and his ear!"

" Mister that's one special pig! Pig like that you don't just eat all at once"

 

[tede02]

Cheesy Brexit joke:  A Scot, Englishman and Northern Irishman walk into a bar.  But then they all had to go because the Englishman wanted to leave.  ::)

[matjone]

16:40

 

http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com/ali-wentworth-im-going-to-take-a-percocet-and-let-that-one-go

 

 

[rkbabang]

Two guys walk into a bar.  The third guy ducks.

 

[Williams406]

Sean and Niall reluctantly shuffle up to their dead friend and colleague's door to deliver the bad news.

 

"Siobhan, we're sorry to have to tell you that Seamus died today at the Guinness brewery during his shift."

 

After sobbing uncontrollably for five minutes, the widow asked what happened.

 

"He was found floating in a vat of Guinness."

 

Did he at least die quickly? she wondered, hoping for some small comfort.

 

"Well...he did get out to pee three times."

[rkbabang]

More Brexit humor in a short clip from Seinfeld.

 

https://www.facebook.com/GetCafe/videos/1646505489005671/

 

[DynamicPerception]

  These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

 

  FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

  8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!

 

  FREE PUPPIES

  1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

 

  FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

  Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 

  JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

  Must sell washer and dryer £100.

 

  WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.

  Worn once by mistake.

  Call Stephanie.

 

  And the WINNER is...

 

  FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

  Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.

  No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

  (Statement of the Century)

 

  Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.

  "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

  How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

  Children Are Quick

  TEACHER: Why are you late?

  STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

 

  TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

  JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

 

  TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

  TEACHER: No, that's wrong

  GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

  (I Love this child)

 

  TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

  DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

  TEACHER: What are you talking about?

  DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

 

  TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't

          have ten years ago.

  WINNIE:  Me!

 

  TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

  GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

 

  TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

  MILLIE:  I is.

  TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

  MILLIE:  All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

 

  TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,

          but also admitted it.

          Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

  LOUIS:  Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

 

  TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

  SIMON:  No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

 

  TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your

          brother's.. Did you copy his?

  CLYDE:  No, sir. It's the same dog.

          (I want to adopt this kid!!!)

 

  TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when

          people are no longer interested?

  HAROLD:  A teacher.

[Crip1]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says to him "Hey, buddy, why the long face?"

 

 

-Crip