Jump to content

I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.


doughishere

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 535
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

One CoBF member has this in their signature:

 

If it's important, do it every day. If it's not important, don't do it at all.  -Dan Gable

 

I wonder what Dan Gable thinks about colonoscopy.  ::)

 

Probably should read:

 

If it's important, do it now. If you enjoy it, do it often. If it's not important & you don't enjoy it, don't do it at all.

 

I'd put colonoscopies in the "unimportant & unenjoyable" column.

 

I'll probably die of ass cancer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

 

I'm sure "a hungry herd of as many as 500 goats" can clear a lot of land!

 

Yes, the story is to me fascinating, because the approach to help solve the issue at hand is so simple! -And then there is also more to tuck for the goats when they "come home" after "task accomplished"!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I'm sure "a hungry herd of as many as 500 goats" can clear a lot of land!

 

Yes, the story is to me fascinating, because the approach to help solve the issue at hand is so simple! -And then there is also more to tuck for the goats when they "come home" after "task accomplished"!

Please disregard unless the fascination is real.

I've been studying the California bush for a while and, in fact, {if I can eventually convince my wife} would love to move to California one day. A new argument now is that I could become a goat renter or herder in order to facilitate Mr. Buffett's acquisition related to the concept that Californians deserve a better electricity utility. But that's another story. :)

 

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/using-goats-to-prevent-wildfires-51327045/

Laguna {cool place where Mr. Buffett used to have his second home}'s Mike Phillips said that just three things contribute to wildland fires. "Fuel loads, topography and weather." He paused, then smiled. "We can't change the topography, and we can't do anything about the weather{or human nature?}. The only variable to reduce is the fuel load. That's what goats do for us."

https://www.sierraclub.org/sierra/demand-for-grazing-goats-growing-wildfire

https://baynature.org/article/fire-goats/

Even my alma mater suggests to fight the fire by eating the fuel:

https://www.mcgill.ca/oss/article/did-you-know-environment/goats-might-be-secret-tool-weve-been-looking-prevent-wildfires

 

Obviously goats are only part of the multi-pronged answer but it's an example that helps to reconcile downside protection and optimism related to human ingenuity, all in harmony {at least to the extent possible} with nature.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for a hilarius post, Cigarbutt! [ : - D]

 

Personally I'm not sure goats would be a perfect fit for you to herd. Naturally they would be susceptible to your eternal patience with your surroundings, but would the goats exploit it? [ : - ) ] Furthermore, I don't think goats would respond to your expectations and standards with regard explanation and reason, semi-jerky as they are, according to rkbabang. [ : - ) ]

 

The last sentence in your post is definitely a keeper!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Personally I'm not sure goats would be a perfect fit...

But isn't life a series of compromises?

Take for instance (there will be a link with goats and the environment :) ), Bernard Arnault. The products offered (and potential associated returns) make us dream...But isn't there a need to reconcile instinctual desires with down-to-earth realities?

Anyways, I thought you'd appreciate the following link, which you may have missed and which explores some of the subtle intricacies of the wolf in the cashmere coat's personality.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2019/10/31/the-100-billion-man-how-bernard-arnault-stitched-together-the-worlds-third-biggest-fortune-with-louis-vuitton-dior-and-77-other-brandsand-why-hes-not-done-yet/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email#7a5eff834efb

"Arnault and ten LVMH brand chiefs took turns on a brightly lit stage reciting their commitments to environmental stewardship, their presentations interspersed with slickly produced videos of models strutting down catwalks and cashmere goats frolicking on the Mongolian steppes." (my bold)

 

To keep a reasonable balance between pleasure and guilt and because of recent concerns raised on this Board which may have been hurt by videos showing models frolicking, I include here a link describing an uncomfortable environmental side effect. :)

https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2019/01/exploding-demand-cashmere-wool-ruining-mongolia-s-grasslands

 

Apparently some people have difficulty pronouncing the word "Vuitton". It sounds very bizarre at times especially in presidential mouths.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Personally I'm not sure goats would be a perfect fit...

But isn't life a series of compromises?

Take for instance (there will be a link with goats and the environment :) ), Bernard Arnault. The products offered (and potential associated returns) make us dream...But isn't there a need to reconcile instinctual desires with down-to-earth realities?

Anyways, I thought you'd appreciate the following link, which you may have missed and which explores some of the subtle intricacies of the wolf in the cashmere coat's personality.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2019/10/31/the-100-billion-man-how-bernard-arnault-stitched-together-the-worlds-third-biggest-fortune-with-louis-vuitton-dior-and-77-other-brandsand-why-hes-not-done-yet/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email#7a5eff834efb

"Arnault and ten LVMH brand chiefs took turns on a brightly lit stage reciting their commitments to environmental stewardship, their presentations interspersed with slickly produced videos of models strutting down catwalks and cashmere goats frolicking on the Mongolian steppes." (my bold)

 

To keep a reasonable balance between pleasure and guilt and because of recent concerns raised on this Board which may have been hurt by videos showing models frolicking, I include here a link describing an uncomfortable environmental side effect. :)

https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2019/01/exploding-demand-cashmere-wool-ruining-mongolia-s-grasslands

 

Apparently some people have difficulty pronouncing the word "Vuitton". It sounds very bizarre at times especially in presidential mouths.

 

Oh, let the sun beat down upon my face

Stars fill my dream

I'm a traveler of both time and space

To be where I have been

Sit with elders of the gentle race

This world has seldom seen

They talk of days for which they sit and wait

All will be revealed

 

Talk in song in tongues of lilting grace

Sounds caress my ear

There are not a word I heard could I relate

Story was quite clear

 

All I see turns to brown

As the sun burns the ground

And my eyes fill with sand

As I scan this wasted land

Try to find, try to find what I feel

 

Oh, pilot of the storm who leaves no trace

Like thoughts inside a dream

Heed the path that led me to that place, yellow desert stream

My Shangri-La beneath the summer moon, I will return again

Sure as the dust that floats high in June, when movin' through Kashmir

 

Oh, father of the four winds, fill my sails, across the sea of years

With no provision but an open face, along the straits of fear.

 

(the song was not even written in or about Kashmir, but the lyrics kind of fit.)

 

---

 

Interesting that Arnault wanted to be a concert pianist.

I watched his son play a Chopin concerto

 

(skip to minute 3 if you want to get straight into the piano)

 

He definitely has the articulation down, but he's all forte & mezzo forte, and lacks the nuance of a player who has world class dynamic control, like the chick in the next link.

 

 

I say this as if I'd ever be able to play this piece even as well as Arnault (not.)

 

---

 

edit:

 

Before proclaiming his vision for his conglomerate, he catches himself. “In a way, I should not say that, because you may think I am pretentious,” he says. But then he lets loose: “[LVMH] is a French monument. Because it represents France all over the world. People know better the name of Louis Vuitton, Christian Dior, Dom Pérignon, Cheval Blanc, than anything else. Maybe they know also Napoleon? General de Gaulle? We think it’s important that this group, for the long term, is controlled by a French family.”

 

[Jeez, pretentious much?]

 

[And out of the entire universe, he chose Trump to do ribbon cuttings on 2 new stores?]

 

[the king of garishness & heir apparent to the role of Louis XVI]

 

      :o

 

[[[Really?]]]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Earlier today longinvestor posted this :

 

I got ahead of myself by a year. My bad! To wash off the single year pendulum swing in 2010, the ten year clock ends 12/31/2020. Duh. ...

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

Earlier today I read this :

 

From : Wells Fargo Newsroom

E-mail topic title : "Last call for ordering of fresh ducks [ : - ) ]"

 

I thought : "What the ....?"

 

Next : Careful & in depth analysis of what I was actually reading : It turned out I wasn't reading totally horisontal on my e-mail monitor - the e-mail was not from Wells Fargo Newsroom, but from nemlig.com. [A Danish "Amazon" for food.]

Next : Careful & in depth analysis why I wasn't reading straight horisontal : I had forgotten in the morning to polish my glasses for "monitor work".

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

Sh*te happens all the time ... - what really matters is if any harm is done!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am on my mobile phone and looking through to see if there is a WeWork thread but I found this one first...

 

https://fortune.com/2019/11/07/softbank-wework-earnings-deck/

 

Presentation on Softbank site

https://cdn.group.softbank/en/corp/set/data/irinfo/presentations/results/pdf/2019/softbank_presentation_2019_002.pdf

 

Did Softbank hire someone from The Onion to produce their slides?  That was great.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 months later...

I was driving home from school the other day & saw an elderly man walking on the side of the road with a gas can.

 

I had seen a car on the side of the road a ways back and figured it was his.

He had his thumb out while he was walking so I stopped & picked him up.

 

We chatted a bit & after a few minutes he noticed a brown bag on the floorboard in front of him and asked what was in it.

 

I told him, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my girlfriend".

He immediately said, "Good trade".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some up front apologies to my German and Alabaman friends:

 

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Germans are very efficient and not funny.

 

Have you ever heard a German tell a "knock knock" joke?

Of course not. A German knows who is at the door and plans ahead.

 

Those were my two German jokes, please take them seriously as German humor is no laughing matter.

 

On the other hand:

 

Why are murders in Alabama so difficult to solve?

All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Copied from this post by Greg :

 

[intentionally edited to beyond recognition & context, - so Greg may disagree! [ ; - ) ]] :

 

... How do you buy a big position in a company you like? Buy a small one and wait a few weeks. ...

 

Instead of just "+1!", I'll here post "Worth repeating!" [somehow, it's "head shaking times" right now - with a lot of stuff ... [-but not all stuff].]

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Copied from this post by Greg :

 

[intentionally edited to beyond recognition & context, - so Greg may disagree! [ ; - ) ]] :

 

... How do you buy a big position in a company you like? Buy a small one and wait a few weeks. ...

 

Instead of just "+1!", I'll here post "Worth repeating!" [somehow, it's "head shaking times" right now - with a lot of stuff ... [-but not all stuff].]

 

HEHE! I own WFC. At this rate I'll own it in about 10 years. LOL!

 

If i get Wells, I don't mind becoming a bank holding company either... so the Fed can kiss my  :-X

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Husband for sale...

 

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Zimbabwe , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

 

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

 

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

*Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.*

 

The second floor sign reads:

 

*Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.*

 

The third floor sign reads:

 

*Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.*

 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

 

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

 

*Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are good looking and help with the housework.*

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

 

*Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.*

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

 

*Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.*

 

*Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!*

 

 

Courtesy of  https://upjoke.com/zimbabwe-jokes

 

SD

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

This one might be a little off color, skip if you only want wholesome jokes ...

 

 

 

 

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

 

A passing homeless man walks up to her and says, "Hey since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

 

The woman replies, "Get away from me, you sicko! I'm not having sex with you!"

 

The man just turns to leave and mutters, "Fine. I'll just go wait at the bottom."

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

 

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

 

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me.” He takes his shoes outside and rubs them in the grass and mud, then proceeds home.

 

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed off. “Where the hell have you been?!?!” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great-looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

 

She sees his shoes are covered with grass and says, “You lying bastard!!! You’ve been golfing again!!!”

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now



×
×
  • Create New...