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I Need a Laugh. Tell me a Joke. Keep em PC.


doughishere

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I won't even apologize for stirring the fun pot here, but why even look around anywhere, when there is fun here too:

 

In the Apple topic in the Investment Ideas forum:

 

... Still using a 6 Plus & will prob wait for the next iteration of the X but I'm definitely getting a (v3) watch.

 

I'll be able to wade fish up to my friggin' neck & still have music & comms.

 

Pics please!

 

Watch is supposed to arrive on the 22nd & there will most certainly be images, in the water (there may or may not be fish in the photos...)

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  • 4 weeks later...
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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

<Man dials phone>

<Little Girl answers phone>

 

GIRL:  Hello

MAN:  Hello sweetie, this is Daddy is Mommy near the phone?

GIRL:  Hi Daddy, no she's in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.

MAN:  But you don't have an Uncle Paul?

GIRL:  I know, Mommy just wants me to call him that. They've been in the bedroom a long time.

MAN:  Can you do something for Dadddy?

GIRL:  Yes

MAN:  Go knock on the bedroom door and yell Daddy's Home! and then come back and tell me what happened.

GIRL:  Okay Daddy.

 

<loud noises, screams, bangs>

 

GIRL:  Daddy, Daddy, I think Mommy's hurt, she ran out of the bedroom with no clothes on, she fell down the stairs and she's not moving!

MAN:  What!

GIRL:  And Uncle Paul, he jumped out the window into the pool, he didn't know that you drained the water last week. I think he's dead!

<girl sobbing>

 

<long pause ...>

 

MAN:  Pool?  Is this 554-1288?

GIRL:  No

MAN:  I'm sorry, wrong number.

 

<Phone disconnects>

 

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Nerd joke incoming:

 

 

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'

'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'

'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

 

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Nerd joke incoming:

 

 

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'

'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'

'We do now, asshole!' Shouts Schroedinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

 

That was great!

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Perhaps the activity in this topic is an indicator of high market levels, where value investors are just so bored? [ ; - ) ]

It is for me at least. Or I just suck at finding undervalued companies. Probably a bit of both :D

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Perhaps the activity in this topic is an indicator of high market levels, where value investors are just so bored? [ ; - ) ]

It is for me at least. Or I just suck at finding undervalued companies. Probably a bit of both :D

 

There is to me no other way than to proceed - hopefully with good mood - no matter how hard it may seem right now, LC. [ : - ) ]

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A teacher, a doctor and an investment banker die and arrive at the pearly gates.

 

God asks the teacher why he should be let into heaven and the teacher explains to God that he taught small children how to read and write.

 

God says, "Welcome to heaven, my son."

 

God then asks the doctor what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people's lives by curing their illnesses," the doctor replies.

 

"Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.

 

God then turns to the investment banker & asked him what he was, and the man replied that he was an investment banker and he helped banks package their subprime mortgages into highly marketable CDOs.

 

edit - NEW & IMPROVED PUNCHLINE - edit

 

"Welcome to heaven, my son," says God, "your room's being cleaned but you're in luck, I've got a friend who's having a BBQ & he says he can put you up for a while."

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  • 3 weeks later...

On November 30 2017, Mr. Taleb released the cover for his latest book "Skin in the Game" on FB, the book to be released at the end February 2018, if I remember correctly. [basically, you can read the whole book already by now, by using his personal website, combined with Medium.]

 

Please see attached, and please see the back side of the cover, especially the last comment there. No foreword here from some big hot shot![, who most likely does not understand the man anyway [lol]]. This man is in every way seeking the borders of everything.

 

However he's not full grown antifragile yet, otherwise he would have put those comments in the book as a foreword.

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

I have read some other comments about legs and dogs behavior related to one of the other quotes on the backside of the cover, however I'll leave it up to your self to find those comments, because Dough, the OP in this topic - has asked in the topic title to keep the jokes PC.

NN_Taleb_-_Skin_in_the_Game_-_Cover_released_on_FB_20171130_-_20171202.thumb.PNG.32c719a42975e785ddf011084e850033.PNG

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On November 30 2017, Mr. Taleb released the cover for his latest book "Skin in the Game" on FB, the book to be released at the end February 2018, if I remember correctly. [basically, you can read the whole book already by now, by using his personal website, combined with Medium.]

 

Please see attached, and please see the back side of the cover, especially the last comment there. No foreword here from some big hot shot![, who most likely does not understand the man anyway [lol]]. This man is in every way seeking the borders of everything.

 

However he's not full grown antifragile yet, otherwise he would have put those comments in the book as a foreword.

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

I have read some other comments about legs and dogs behavior related to one of the other quotes on the backside of the cover, however I'll leave it up to your self to find those comments, because Dough, the OP in this topic - has asked in the topic title to keep the jokes PC.

 

Woof

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  • 1 month later...

Here are my New Year resolutions, ranked:

 

1. Try to find a way to help DooDiligence to get out from Guantanamo [He is incarcerated there as a "hostile combatant", because of his tweets to Mr. Trump ... - didn't you know that there is Internet connection at Guantanamo for the incarcerated there?]

2. To stay out of jail myself.

3. If I fail on #2, try again!

4. Keep my phone updated, ref. the discussion in the Intel topic. Here the correct security settings:

 

 

phone_security.png

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  • 1 month later...

This is the joke of the day: My own English spelling!

 

A few days ago I found out, the I've missed the "c" in "acquisition" - and that pretty consistently! - Please feel free to call me out on my spelling. - I will prefer that you do it by PM, however. I'm here to learn.

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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An engineer, a physicist, and an economist find themselves shipwrecked on a desert island with nothing to eat but a sealed can of beans. How to get at the beans? The engineer proposes breaking the can open on a rock. The physicist suggests heating the can in the sun until it bursts. The economist's approach: "First, assume we have a can opener…."

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You basically just "stole" [erhh, somehow] my first macro economist joke in this topic, boilermaker! -Let me just say that I'm far from amused ... [ ; - ) ].

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

Here is another one, and this an IRL experience of my own. On my bachelor study in economics I was taught Keynesian Macro in the years 1978-79 by a Danish professor. He was just soo good, and funny! His name is Lars Matthiesen, I think he is retired now [he must be]. Under time span of running the class that I was in, he got appointed as member of the Danish Economic Counsils. That was a pretty big thing back then, all over in the local printed papers [There were none else then].

 

So, at the first class session after his appointment, he was met by standing applause by his students. He was both happy and proud of that, I could see.

 

Then one student asked: "How did it happen?"

 

He replied: "I got a letter from our Danish Prime Minister." [Meaning: "This is invitation only, & based on merit/quality of work."]

 

Then another student asked: "Did you go through an interview?"

 

He: "Well, they actually did not really ask me any questions, it was more some kind of friendly talk with the other council members about going forward, concluding and summing all the talk up with: "We justed wanted to actually see, that you have both your arms.""

 

The student: "Huh? - Do you care to elaborate?"

 

He: "In "macro", you really need to have both your arms! You know - You say "On one hand..." - and then you have to do this particular move with one of your arms,-, and then you say " ..., on the other hand ..." - and if then your other arm is not there to do that particular move, - you'll never get your message through!"

 

- - - o 0 o - - -

 

Many times since then, now many years ago, I have thought about this exchange of words. Get out of it what you do/want. To me, it has basically now boiled down to: "Push hard, but don't take yourself too seriously."

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I know someone who did precisely that. Missed exit on the freeway so backed up and took the exit.

 

It’s  a big deal in Germany, but not in Long Island. I have seen it quite a few times, since I moved there. I don’t know if those drivers are Jews or Italians or just the regular natives. 8)

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WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

 

WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. I'm not interested in fighting you.

6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!

7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

 

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